Here they are… so take heed!!
Don’t complain about your life, your chronic health problems, or go on and on in graphic detail about your menopause experiences. Instead smile, be positive, have a good attitude and be a good, attentive listener.
Don’t walk small or bent over like you are taking itsy bitsy mincing steps. This will make you look decrepit. It will also make you look very unsure on your feet and ready to topple over and break a hip at any moment. Walk tall and take longer, surer steps.
Don’t neglect getting a professional bra fitting before you meet him. It’s appalling how unaware so many of us are about wearing the wrong size bra. But worse how it ages a lady and makes her look matronly. The girls should be half way between your shoulder and your elbow. Victoria’s Secret does free professional bra fittings. Go there very soon.
Don’t whine about the Holidays being too commercial, too expensive and only for young families. Or, bemoan the fact that your children and grandchildren never want to come see you. Duh!! Be willing to play well with his family and friends.
Don’t complain that everyone nowadays is texting, IM or on Face book. Or, sneer about how you doubt anyone could possibly be articulate while typing with their thumbs. Most senior centers offer free classes on computers…check it out.
Don’t avoid babies like the plague. We know you are not a monster, but it’s like you are admitting you hate kittens or sunshine. It’s just that you are so over the baby thing, and very ready for some freedom. If the little darling at the next table is acting out a bit too much for you, then you could politely excuse yourself, and say you have Tourette’s Syndrome and wouldn’t want your language to shock the baby. If you unable to leave claim you have Restless Leg Syndrome and you wouldn’t want to bounce the baby right off your lap onto the floor.
By all means avoid acting like a cougar, ogling and commenting on the hot young men in the restaurant. Lighten up a bit on the predatory animal prints, plunging crepe cleavage, clanking bracelets and heavy red lipstick with an exaggerated cupids bow at the top of the upper lip. Go for a more subtle, softer look, with colors that are well blended and natural looking for day and just a bit more intense for evening.
Don’t wear slacks. It doesn’t matter how much you paid for your “classy” designer pantsuit. Men like skirts and dresses and something in a brighter color like red will be appreciated.
Don’t party old. If he is coming to your house, don’t totally exhaust yourself making your house look perfect with the toss pillows placed just so. Then five minutes before he arrives, dash upstairs, throw on something and spend your usual thirty seconds on your makeup.
Don’t you dare go out without getting your nails done, have your hair trimmed and styled and most important take a nap so you are rested and relaxed. Then you will have plenty of patience for listening to his fascinating stories, hunting trips or other forays into the wilderness.
Don’t wear your comfortable orthopedic shoes. Or, let your knee-highs fall down around your ankles. Wear a feminine shoe with a bit of a heel and a bow or strap. Sheer black hose or tights are fine if your legs are a bit challenged with varicose veins and other signs of wear and tear.
We older ladies are still loathe to get our nether regions waxed, or adopt the thong, but now at least when we act old, we will know we are doing it!
